Tuesday, June 28, 2011

are you grandparents of the baby??

well, howdy. its been a while.

i know that there is probably no one who even knows this is here, but for (lady at church in junction) those who know this blog is still here (or those who stumble upon this), i suppose i should catch you up.

since january '09, i have: moved to (and subsequently grew to love) florida (go gators!), visited washington, d.c., for the first time, received my masters degree (M,Ed.) at texas a&m, searched for a job, quit another, lost my last grandparent, and taught a semester and a half of german. wow, that really is a lot to accomplish in 2,5 years!

today, i am sitting at magnolia west high school, with about 20 minutes until school dismisses, reading "tates" blog (tatethetot.blogspot.com), realizing that i need to suck it up and finally contribute something of my own, so here goes:

this week has been a busy week, and it is only tuesday afternoon. a couple of hours ago, i realized that most of today i have been CONVINCED that it was july 28th, not june 28th. whoops. so convinced was i that i even almost called daniel to wish him a happy birthday...

why has this week been so long, you wonder? well, to no ones big surprise, i have not gotten a lot of sleep (shocking, i know, and i really am going to try to work on that in july), and i have had a couple of big conversations. last night was spent catching up with kendrick, who shared my Christmas wine with me, and sunday night was spent in revelation with a friend from church, nathan walton, and that conversation is, largely, my topic for this blog post (15 minutes to go!).

while talking with nathan on sunday, it finally got through to me that i am a perfectionist. while i dont imagine that many people who know me well will be surprised by this fact, i surprised myself because i had never really synthesized the fact that i am a perfectionist, and the only standards i dont meet are my own. when i finally put this realization into words and actually said them aloud, it has really brought me a lot of food for thought:

--i really do have ridiculously high standards for myself, and i dont think that i could ever reach them.

--this is anti-thetical to the Gospel of Christ. as i told kendrick last night, it is honestly insane for me that the only two entities' standards i will probably never meet are God's and my own, and even God is more merciful to me than i am to myself because He provided me with a way to overcome my shortcomings. wow. humbling. embarrassing. heretical (on my part).

--as i write this, i wonder how many of my friends realize that i am like this, and then for how many do i extend the same expectations, again with no real chance for reconciliation in the constant, certain circumstances which bring up the failure that characterizes human nature?

problem identified...now what? do i allow myself to stagnate, or do i attempt growth (ughhhh) and progress? i suppose i choose progress.

how do i start this process, though, is the real question. in God's providence, this morning, on yahoo!'s news, there was an article about gifted children. in my vanity, i clicked on it, and have returned to click through other links as i have found time throughout my day today, to discover who i think i am (obviously, i think i am better than other people (yikes, certainly untrue), so i must be gifted (i do not want to try to cover my fallenness and subsequent chances for you to realize God's grace to me)), and came across a helpful little pdf about perfectionism--see link. anyhow, i think that this article will help me start to be able to be more realistic, and that can only be good for me. for my friends. for my life.


well, and so i am thankful for a lot of things:

--i am thankful that God has provided me a means of reconciliation (Jesus Christ (ask me about it if'n you want! :)) so that i may have a hope and a future (jeremiah 29.11), even in the face of my own perfectionism.

--the ability to think well, and to be able to reflect on my situation and at least attempt (more successful if i ask Him for help, i realize) to overcome this problem.

--the friends who have still not deserted me, and who do not call me out like they probably should and, i am increasingly convinced, definitely could.

thank you all. i love you, and i need you, even when i dont know, or want to admit, that i do.


Will said...

hahaha 2,5 years. i've never thought of perfectionism as heretical. i think it probly can be, but it's not necessarily worse than just-alright-ism. i mean, how much more can we appreciate that God isn't satisfied for us to be kinda holy, or doesn't stop at mostly saved, or doesn't care for us pretty okay!

Anonymous said...

glad you're back! you're on my RSS now... so don't leave me!

(good to see you tonight... i don't want to be unapproachable about church music, btw, so i'm sorry if i came across that way. i just have no power and no desire to change things. i truly believe that church shouldn't be a democracy - it's not what the majority wants, it's what helps us worship as a church best. so if you have concerns about what helps us worship best, ACT on it - and know that you won't be hurting my feelings. for me, type of instruments is not a big deal - i am as thrilled with a pipe organ as i am with a saw - true story there - but i will be happy to do whatever the people who are the boss of me tell me to do.)